google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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