Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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