So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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