This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I think my moral compass just broke
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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