It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
