I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
