The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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