A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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