I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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