The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
