Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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