I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
How external is "for external use only"?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
