Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
