the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
