I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
