Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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