Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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