oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
