god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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