Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
