we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
