: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
