I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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