oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
and she was petting her beer can
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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