Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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