Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Randomize
