dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
