wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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