Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
