ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
