I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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