don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
