Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
