I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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