What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
