I wish my penis had an off switch
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I am naked and annoyed.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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