you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
