she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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