I think my fart just growled at me.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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