She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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