do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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