I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
nutella sex= disaster
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
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I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
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Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
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