my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
i think i just lost a toe
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
