Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
