You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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