we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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