the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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