I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
