shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize