yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
