Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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