hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
