There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
it was like eating out sand paper
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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