we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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