Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
