i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
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Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
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I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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