I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
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We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
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If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize