There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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